On English (with pointers!)

I am what some would call a grammar Nazi. It's true, I correct people's spelling and grammar a lot. And I can sound like a tool because of it. But the thing is, it bothers me a lot for some reason. People have started writing more stupidly (no, it's not stupider) since the age of the internet and texting began. And I don't adhere to rule of grammar and punctuation when I'm instant messaging or texting just like most people. But that's because they are less formal methods of communication and the goal of them is quickness rather than typing accuracy. The key there is that I am always at least coherent. The incoherence I see is one of the more frustrating things I see. Not using punctuation at all makes it quite difficult to read things. I'm typically fine with it if it's a friend of mine because, hey, I can understand you when I talk to you in person. but when you see random people typing sentences like this it gets really annoying doesnt it i bet you cant understand whats going on no periods no commas no nothing its a bit of a trainwreck isnt it. Yeah, you can piece together the message of it but good lord it takes so much longer to read.

(You may notice I used a conjunction at the beginning of many of the sentences in the last paragraph. This is because I don't necessarily think that that particular rule is necessary anymore, though I wish I had a better reason why. This is an example of language evolving towards the better in my opinion. But I digress.)

Boy, that was a fun parenthetical. Anyway, I'm not sure where this evolved from. I guess I've always been good at language and writing. When I first write a draft of a paper, the need for editing for spelling or punctuation errors is generally negligible, besides random typos or perhaps poor comma usage. (Use of commas is my weak point in writing. I tend to not use enough of them.) I guess it's because my writing tends to be properly capitalized and punctuated and all that good grammatical stuff that it makes me notice when others spell things wrong or just sprinkle apostrophes where they don't belong. It doesn't help that my Business Communications class was pretty grammar intensive and the professor was a pretty big stickler for having the best writing you could. ("Best practice" not "common practice", guys!)

So anyway, when/if I correct your grammar and I'm not proofreading your paper or something else like that, it's out of love. Or because you keep making the same mistake and I want to help you. It's a little elitist of me I admit to hold people to this standard even in, say, facebook comments and statuses, but I don't notice or point them out out of condescension. It's because it can drive me crazy and also the fact that I do want people to know if what they're (yes, it's they're. It's replacing they are. Sorry guys.) typing wrong. Maybe it's not my duty to do this but it certainly can't hurt someone to know one of their mistakes, unless they have some sort of weird medical condition that causes their skin to break out when corrected on something. In which case, I think you should try to get into a medical journal of some sort because, man that would be rare. I like things to be readable. It saves everyone a lot of time if there isn't vague wording in someone's writing. But if I do point it out, it's because it's happened A LOT or because I know I'm close enough to someone that they won't get pissed at me for pointing it out and make me feel like a dick. But it should be noted that I err on the side of not correcting and tend not to do it because I did it too much as a lad and I don't like to feel like that guy who always corrects people.

At the risk of sounding like a tool, I leave you with three tips for writing that are pretty simple and will lead to less potential for embarrassment in the future:

1. 's vs. s
's is to indicate possession. S, without the apostrophe, is to indicate a plural. The one exception to this is in the case of it. It's is a contraction of it is whereas its indicates something belongs to it. There are a lot of irregular plurals because, hey, English is weird, but this is just a general rule. So when writing a sentence using plurals, think about whether you are trying to show that something owns something else. If it doesn't, don't use an apostrophe.

Good: The walrus's tusks were poached, contrary to popular belief, for their sweet, sweet tusk juices rather than for ivory.
Bad: The walruses tusk's were poached, contrary to popular belief, for their sweet, sweet tusk juice's rather than for ivory.
Good: It's going to get on the snail's nerves if you keep throwing salt in its path.
Bad: It's going to get on the snail's nerve's if you keep throwing salt in it's path.

2. they're, their and there
They're is a contraction of they are (as I so astutely pointed out earlier). Their indicates possession of something by a group. There indicated a position that is somewhere besides here.

Good: They're going over there to their pencil box factory to play poker.
Bad: There going over their to its pencil box factory to play poker.

3. Quotation marks
Quotation marks are to be used only when quoting someone or when saying something ironically. Use of superfluous quotation marks leads to the importance or actuality of said object to be lost. When a quotation is used inside a quote, either ironically or actually quoting, they transform into apostrophes to avoid confusion.

Good: "We're going to have to go at ten o'clock," Jose said, wearily. "Yancey's 'roommates' want him home by eleven and I'm his ride."
The quotes are used correctly here because Yancey is 38 and refers to his parents, whom he still lives with, as his roommates. Also, Jose did indeed say this.
Bad: Guest's: can you please put your "jackets" on the "hook" so they aren't in the way.
Not only did this person add the heinous unnecessary apostrophe, the quotation marks around "jackets" and "hook" imply that these are theoretical and can lead to smartasses to wonder how such things don't actual exist.

There are more that I could talk about but these are the most common and I can't think of any others right now.

I leave you with the great works from The Oatmeal on the subject and a cartoon from Allie Brosh (from Hyperbole and a Half, which you should be reading) about what she imagines when people use "alot" instead of "a lot".

The Oatmeal on Irony
The Oatmeal on How to Use a Semicolon
The Oatmeal on How to Use an Apostrophe
Seriously, read everything the Oatmeal does. It's amazing.