1. As much as I like to combat this idea, I will most likely always be a nerd. That includes being awkward and less than hip. I make somewhat of an effort to dress fashionably but I tend to not venture away from the t-shirt/sweatshirt and jeans combo that is so comfortable. And I'm fine with that. I don't really care how great I'm dressed as long as I'm not noticeably out of fashion. So no Hawaiian shirts or jorts for me.
2. I am fascinated by English. The language that is, not the malt liquor or the Denver Nugget great. i don't always use it correctly though and that's on purpose. I like to use words that aren't really words but sound like words like ungood and cromulent (Simpsons reference!). I'm pretty sure awkwardity isn't a word but I like to use that instead of awkwardness because the -ness suffix is overused. Yeah I'm weird.
3. I always start growing a beard but rarely realize it looks terrible. Part of it is a disdain for shaving and part of it is a desire to have a bad ass beard. But it just grows in all patchy and gross. Me after a week of not shaving looks far too white trash for my liking. But again, lazy.
4. My taste in music has become fairly good I think. I used to have terrible taste and some of that is still evident in songs I have in my library. I think that has been eliminated for the most part now so hooray. I don't have the hipster taste with a bunch of band no one has heard of but I don't go completely mainstream either. I just listen to what I like.
5. I like to think I am funny most of the time. Or at least self deprecating when necessary. As a result, I try to make most of what I write publicly at least somewhat humorous if seriousness isn't necessary. As such I try to make whatever I write at least be interesting or original. This mainly involves Facebook stati. So at least if my statuses are frequent they will be original or humorous to me or people who like me and not annoying. If it's annoying, whoopsies.
6. I like to write things but most often the things I write are about me and most people don't care about me. I don't mean to say that in a mean or emo way, it's just that to a certain extent it's true with everyone. I don't always read other people's personal things because they don't apply to me. It's slightly egotistical and such but that's how life is.
Anyway I would write more but I don't always think I have the best writing style. I can't always articulate what I'm thinking nor do I always write as much as I think I will be able to about a subject. It's a good thing I don't need to write much for school. What's that? I do? Oh...
7. This goes with the overarching theme of this post but my interaction with others is often more limited than I'd like. Part of this is the awkward and not thinking people really care about me but part of it is also liking to be alone a lot of the time. A lot of it is not wanting to come on to strong, even in the case of close friends. I just don't like to be that guy that people talk to out of pity or out of social norm necessity. I don't like that whole potential rejection thing so I tend to keep to myself. But the line between too much and too little talking to someone is really thin for me for some reason.
8. My reading basically consists of sports blogs and humor books. I don't know if high school English soured me on actual books or if I just have the short attention span my generation has built itself upon. I don't necessarily dislike reading but I always seem to find something I'd rather be doing for some reason. Sorry Kurt Vonnegut. I promise someday I'll read you.
9. I really cannot wait to turn 21. Part of this is for the obvious woo-hoo beer thing. But it's more than that. So many things seem to be contingent on being 21 and that's annoying. I don't like having to drink whatever is available or sneak around about drinking and as a result I don't really drink that often. Part of it is also wanting to grow up. On the one hand, it seems like so long ago that I was in high school. On the other hand, it's weird to almost be an adult.
10. No matter how well I do in school, I'll always feel like I could've done better or that I didn't work hard enough to earn the grade I got. Part of this is nice because I don't have to necessarily work that hard to get good grades and I'll always have that drive to succeed. But it also sucks because I'm not as happy with my grades as some people would be. I'm not pouting if I don't get straight A's but I also deep down feel like I am capable of doing that and that I could achieve that if I spent less time horsing around on the internet or whatever else I do. But that's who I am and that's how I've done things for pretty much my entire academic career. As nice as it would be to change, I'm pretty set in how it is now and it hasn't stopped working yet. I guess it's good to never feel like you have earned what you've done since it motivates you to try to do more.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I want so badly to believe that there is truth and love is real
Love is perhaps the most subjective of all feelings. Everyone has a different opinion on what love is or even whether it exists at all. I don't know why I've thought about it lately. Maybe it's just an overdose on Ben Gibbard.
Anyways, my take on love. I don't think that anyone has one true love or one soul mate. There are just too many people out there for there to be one person for you. That isn't to say that you can't find someone you love but there's not a person you are destined to be with, as nice as that would be. When I think about it, what if that person lives in a remote Laotian village or something? What are the chances of you actually meeting that person? Love is just something that happens. It's not something that's meant to happen though.
I've heard it said that you don't stop loving someone or you can't love more than one person in your life for the love to be real. I don't agree. I have only really loved one person in the romantic sense and I certainly don't love them anymore and they don't love me. But I know that I did love them. And I, slightly less strongly, believe she did love me. And she probably loves someone else now or is on her way to loving someone else. And I know that at some point I will love someone else. This doesn't change or cheapen what we felt for each other months ago. Circumstances just changed. And though she thankfully isn't part of my life, she was an important chapter in my life and I won't forget that chapter.
There are obviously differently degrees of love. There's familial love, friendly love and romantic love. And within those different degrees. I'm honestly not sure when something changes from like to love to in love. It's just something you know when you feel it I suppose. I don't know that I have ever personally been "in love" but there is a difference.
Keeping with the vaguely related paragraphs theme, I don't think love is merely a thing made up by Hollywood or the greeting card industry or whatever. I'm not that cynical. I don't think you can only love one person in your life. You can only love one person at once, obviously, but certainly not ever. Things change. People change. The feelings you had don't. And while at times finding someone to love is insanely frustrating and seems impossible, it ultimately is possible. But it's not something you can force. And that's what makes it so difficult and frustrating because as much as you would like to make things happen, it takes two to love.
I don't know that I've said anything too profound here or even necessarily that original. But I am at my core a romantic in this sense and I think about this more often than you might think. And listening to Give Up so much lately likely hasn't helped. if you have to take away one thing, let it be that love is an amazing thing that can't really be quantified. While it's not fate in the sense that we all have a soul mate, sometimes it's just a thing that develops.
Anyways, my take on love. I don't think that anyone has one true love or one soul mate. There are just too many people out there for there to be one person for you. That isn't to say that you can't find someone you love but there's not a person you are destined to be with, as nice as that would be. When I think about it, what if that person lives in a remote Laotian village or something? What are the chances of you actually meeting that person? Love is just something that happens. It's not something that's meant to happen though.
I've heard it said that you don't stop loving someone or you can't love more than one person in your life for the love to be real. I don't agree. I have only really loved one person in the romantic sense and I certainly don't love them anymore and they don't love me. But I know that I did love them. And I, slightly less strongly, believe she did love me. And she probably loves someone else now or is on her way to loving someone else. And I know that at some point I will love someone else. This doesn't change or cheapen what we felt for each other months ago. Circumstances just changed. And though she thankfully isn't part of my life, she was an important chapter in my life and I won't forget that chapter.
There are obviously differently degrees of love. There's familial love, friendly love and romantic love. And within those different degrees. I'm honestly not sure when something changes from like to love to in love. It's just something you know when you feel it I suppose. I don't know that I have ever personally been "in love" but there is a difference.
Keeping with the vaguely related paragraphs theme, I don't think love is merely a thing made up by Hollywood or the greeting card industry or whatever. I'm not that cynical. I don't think you can only love one person in your life. You can only love one person at once, obviously, but certainly not ever. Things change. People change. The feelings you had don't. And while at times finding someone to love is insanely frustrating and seems impossible, it ultimately is possible. But it's not something you can force. And that's what makes it so difficult and frustrating because as much as you would like to make things happen, it takes two to love.
I don't know that I've said anything too profound here or even necessarily that original. But I am at my core a romantic in this sense and I think about this more often than you might think. And listening to Give Up so much lately likely hasn't helped. if you have to take away one thing, let it be that love is an amazing thing that can't really be quantified. While it's not fate in the sense that we all have a soul mate, sometimes it's just a thing that develops.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Life
I haven't written a lot about myself lately. That is partly because the point of this blog hasn't been for personal stuff, partly because of school prioritizing over personal writing about partly because I haven't had anything to process. But I think a state of the John is a good thing to assess every now and then.
Right now I feel great about my life and who I am. If you have been too close to me these past few months, you'll know that this is a great departure from even a couple months ago. I feel good about who I am and where I'm going. I'm excited for a lot of things I have coming up and that's an important thing to have.
I look forward to my road trip to California next week. This will be my first real road trip to somewhere farther than Portland or Vancouver without my family. It's something I've always wanted to do and I know that it will be a lot of fun.
I look forward to my new job. For many reasons, this is one of the most important things that needed to happen. Target had become a place I had no desire to go to and was just trudging through every time I worked. And while I'll miss a number of people there, there are still too many ghosts of bad things there and I don't make nearly enough nor am I given nearly enough responsibility to have to deal with that. Leaving Target is the last step for me in what has been a long process and I'm really happy about it. It's bittersweet in that I've been there for almost 4 years and I am grateful for them giving me my first job and for taking me back after I quit the first time but it will be great to have a job that might connect to something I want to do with the rest of my life and with something I have an immense passion for. Might I get burned out with the Mariners too? It's possible. But at least I will be getting consistent, predictable hours and will have a passion for what I'm selling and who I'm working for. And won't have the possible awkwardities that come from Target. I will miss a number of the people who I've worked with but Facebook will allow us to keep in touch. Yay modern times!
I look forward greatly to my hopeful study abroad opportunity over the summer in Spain. It's going to be really challenging basically just being placed into a foreign country with less than a mastery of the native language but I think it will be the best way for me to master Spanish. It's also part of the college experience I want to, well, experience myself. I always hear about how someone has spent a semester abroad somewhere or how their sister is in Sydney for the winter or something and I am immensely jealous. Well not jealous as that's too strong of a word, but it makes me think "I really should do that". And I am going to. Am I a little scared of it? Of course. It's a completely new experience. But I'm not exactly a risk taker and this is a risk, albeit not a giant one, that is really worth taking. I worry that it will affect my new job but I think this opportunity is a lot more important than that job, for more reasons than I have to study abroad for my minor.
I look forward to taking a leadership role in Model UN. It's weird how I've sort of taken the reins of our school club and am going to be the president next year but I'm going to embrace it fully. I want our club to flourish and grow. I hope that more people realize that MUN isn't as rigid and uninviting as it apparently gives off. Most people are just doing it for fun and aren't super intense about it. I've met people I'd otherwise never be able to meet through it and I've been able to do non-businessy things with my college career which is a bonus.
Mostly, I look forward to my future, both academically and professionally. It's nice to be legitimately interested in the classes I will be taking and not just taking them because I have to. I can't wait to be able to take my econ electives and learn more about the subject. I've realized that I've got a lot more ability to succeed than I've given myself credit for. I've always known I've been smart but I always assumed that I would drop off at some point and that my intelligence wouldn't carry me forever. That hasn't happened yet. I've been able to adapt and study hard when I need to and I've been able to evaluate how well I actually know things. I feel like I'm pretty well developed in an academic sense and in a professional sense. I'm never going to be someone who's going to make a complete ass of himself at an interview or with a cover letter, mostly just because I know what is expected, both through what I've learned in school and through intuition. I might not get every job or every interview because I'm not perfect and no one gets every job but I feel like my common sense and general idea of what to do in situations will carry me. My ability to improvise and roll off an answer to a question that I might not have prepared for directly is an important one. These are skills I was unsure about. Am I still worried about when it comes time to work in the real world and start earning a salary? Of course. But I know that I'll have the skill set necessary and know what I need to do to at least get my foot in the door somewhere and gain that experience.
At this point, I'm not as dreary about myself and my outlook on life and my interactions with others as I was a while ago. I realize that I'm always going to be a little socially awkward and am not always going to come off as outgoing. I'm fine with that. That's who I am. I know enough to not be a social pariah and outcast and that's enough for me. I have a pretty decent amount of friends and a varied enough amount of friends to know that I'm not that weird kid that no one likes. I've shifted my thinking from thinking that people don't talk to me because they don't like me to that they don't talk to me because they don't know me and haven't talked to me before. Does this mean everyone likes me? No. Far from it. But at this point I realize that it's just a personality difference or a lack of contact more than something that's wrong with me and I think that's important to realize.
Yay being happy and optimistic again.
Right now I feel great about my life and who I am. If you have been too close to me these past few months, you'll know that this is a great departure from even a couple months ago. I feel good about who I am and where I'm going. I'm excited for a lot of things I have coming up and that's an important thing to have.
I look forward to my road trip to California next week. This will be my first real road trip to somewhere farther than Portland or Vancouver without my family. It's something I've always wanted to do and I know that it will be a lot of fun.
I look forward to my new job. For many reasons, this is one of the most important things that needed to happen. Target had become a place I had no desire to go to and was just trudging through every time I worked. And while I'll miss a number of people there, there are still too many ghosts of bad things there and I don't make nearly enough nor am I given nearly enough responsibility to have to deal with that. Leaving Target is the last step for me in what has been a long process and I'm really happy about it. It's bittersweet in that I've been there for almost 4 years and I am grateful for them giving me my first job and for taking me back after I quit the first time but it will be great to have a job that might connect to something I want to do with the rest of my life and with something I have an immense passion for. Might I get burned out with the Mariners too? It's possible. But at least I will be getting consistent, predictable hours and will have a passion for what I'm selling and who I'm working for. And won't have the possible awkwardities that come from Target. I will miss a number of the people who I've worked with but Facebook will allow us to keep in touch. Yay modern times!
I look forward greatly to my hopeful study abroad opportunity over the summer in Spain. It's going to be really challenging basically just being placed into a foreign country with less than a mastery of the native language but I think it will be the best way for me to master Spanish. It's also part of the college experience I want to, well, experience myself. I always hear about how someone has spent a semester abroad somewhere or how their sister is in Sydney for the winter or something and I am immensely jealous. Well not jealous as that's too strong of a word, but it makes me think "I really should do that". And I am going to. Am I a little scared of it? Of course. It's a completely new experience. But I'm not exactly a risk taker and this is a risk, albeit not a giant one, that is really worth taking. I worry that it will affect my new job but I think this opportunity is a lot more important than that job, for more reasons than I have to study abroad for my minor.
I look forward to taking a leadership role in Model UN. It's weird how I've sort of taken the reins of our school club and am going to be the president next year but I'm going to embrace it fully. I want our club to flourish and grow. I hope that more people realize that MUN isn't as rigid and uninviting as it apparently gives off. Most people are just doing it for fun and aren't super intense about it. I've met people I'd otherwise never be able to meet through it and I've been able to do non-businessy things with my college career which is a bonus.
Mostly, I look forward to my future, both academically and professionally. It's nice to be legitimately interested in the classes I will be taking and not just taking them because I have to. I can't wait to be able to take my econ electives and learn more about the subject. I've realized that I've got a lot more ability to succeed than I've given myself credit for. I've always known I've been smart but I always assumed that I would drop off at some point and that my intelligence wouldn't carry me forever. That hasn't happened yet. I've been able to adapt and study hard when I need to and I've been able to evaluate how well I actually know things. I feel like I'm pretty well developed in an academic sense and in a professional sense. I'm never going to be someone who's going to make a complete ass of himself at an interview or with a cover letter, mostly just because I know what is expected, both through what I've learned in school and through intuition. I might not get every job or every interview because I'm not perfect and no one gets every job but I feel like my common sense and general idea of what to do in situations will carry me. My ability to improvise and roll off an answer to a question that I might not have prepared for directly is an important one. These are skills I was unsure about. Am I still worried about when it comes time to work in the real world and start earning a salary? Of course. But I know that I'll have the skill set necessary and know what I need to do to at least get my foot in the door somewhere and gain that experience.
At this point, I'm not as dreary about myself and my outlook on life and my interactions with others as I was a while ago. I realize that I'm always going to be a little socially awkward and am not always going to come off as outgoing. I'm fine with that. That's who I am. I know enough to not be a social pariah and outcast and that's enough for me. I have a pretty decent amount of friends and a varied enough amount of friends to know that I'm not that weird kid that no one likes. I've shifted my thinking from thinking that people don't talk to me because they don't like me to that they don't talk to me because they don't know me and haven't talked to me before. Does this mean everyone likes me? No. Far from it. But at this point I realize that it's just a personality difference or a lack of contact more than something that's wrong with me and I think that's important to realize.
Yay being happy and optimistic again.
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