Life

I haven't written a lot about myself lately. That is partly because the point of this blog hasn't been for personal stuff, partly because of school prioritizing over personal writing about partly because I haven't had anything to process. But I think a state of the John is a good thing to assess every now and then.

Right now I feel great about my life and who I am. If you have been too close to me these past few months, you'll know that this is a great departure from even a couple months ago. I feel good about who I am and where I'm going. I'm excited for a lot of things I have coming up and that's an important thing to have.

I look forward to my road trip to California next week. This will be my first real road trip to somewhere farther than Portland or Vancouver without my family. It's something I've always wanted to do and I know that it will be a lot of fun.

I look forward to my new job. For many reasons, this is one of the most important things that needed to happen. Target had become a place I had no desire to go to and was just trudging through every time I worked. And while I'll miss a number of people there, there are still too many ghosts of bad things there and I don't make nearly enough nor am I given nearly enough responsibility to have to deal with that. Leaving Target is the last step for me in what has been a long process and I'm really happy about it. It's bittersweet in that I've been there for almost 4 years and I am grateful for them giving me my first job and for taking me back after I quit the first time but it will be great to have a job that might connect to something I want to do with the rest of my life and with something I have an immense passion for. Might I get burned out with the Mariners too? It's possible. But at least I will be getting consistent, predictable hours and will have a passion for what I'm selling and who I'm working for. And won't have the possible awkwardities that come from Target. I will miss a number of the people who I've worked with but Facebook will allow us to keep in touch. Yay modern times!

I look forward greatly to my hopeful study abroad opportunity over the summer in Spain. It's going to be really challenging basically just being placed into a foreign country with less than a mastery of the native language but I think it will be the best way for me to master Spanish. It's also part of the college experience I want to, well, experience myself. I always hear about how someone has spent a semester abroad somewhere or how their sister is in Sydney for the winter or something and I am immensely jealous. Well not jealous as that's too strong of a word, but it makes me think "I really should do that". And I am going to. Am I a little scared of it? Of course. It's a completely new experience. But I'm not exactly a risk taker and this is a risk, albeit not a giant one, that is really worth taking. I worry that it will affect my new job but I think this opportunity is a lot more important than that job, for more reasons than I have to study abroad for my minor.

I look forward to taking a leadership role in Model UN. It's weird how I've sort of taken the reins of our school club and am going to be the president next year but I'm going to embrace it fully. I want our club to flourish and grow. I hope that more people realize that MUN isn't as rigid and uninviting as it apparently gives off. Most people are just doing it for fun and aren't super intense about it. I've met people I'd otherwise never be able to meet through it and I've been able to do non-businessy things with my college career which is a bonus.

Mostly, I look forward to my future, both academically and professionally. It's nice to be legitimately interested in the classes I will be taking and not just taking them because I have to. I can't wait to be able to take my econ electives and learn more about the subject. I've realized that I've got a lot more ability to succeed than I've given myself credit for. I've always known I've been smart but I always assumed that I would drop off at some point and that my intelligence wouldn't carry me forever. That hasn't happened yet. I've been able to adapt and study hard when I need to and I've been able to evaluate how well I actually know things. I feel like I'm pretty well developed in an academic sense and in a professional sense. I'm never going to be someone who's going to make a complete ass of himself at an interview or with a cover letter, mostly just because I know what is expected, both through what I've learned in school and through intuition. I might not get every job or every interview because I'm not perfect and no one gets every job but I feel like my common sense and general idea of what to do in situations will carry me. My ability to improvise and roll off an answer to a question that I might not have prepared for directly is an important one. These are skills I was unsure about. Am I still worried about when it comes time to work in the real world and start earning a salary? Of course. But I know that I'll have the skill set necessary and know what I need to do to at least get my foot in the door somewhere and gain that experience.

At this point, I'm not as dreary about myself and my outlook on life and my interactions with others as I was a while ago. I realize that I'm always going to be a little socially awkward and am not always going to come off as outgoing. I'm fine with that. That's who I am. I know enough to not be a social pariah and outcast and that's enough for me. I have a pretty decent amount of friends and a varied enough amount of friends to know that I'm not that weird kid that no one likes. I've shifted my thinking from thinking that people don't talk to me because they don't like me to that they don't talk to me because they don't know me and haven't talked to me before. Does this mean everyone likes me? No. Far from it. But at this point I realize that it's just a personality difference or a lack of contact more than something that's wrong with me and I think that's important to realize.

Yay being happy and optimistic again.